Déjà vu

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I don't Cry anymore..

There was a time when I was heartbroken, shattered and totally confused. That was the time when I had broken up with someone and things were just not the same. That was the time I pitied myself, sulked, cried and moped. My work and studies took a hit. I reacted to everything I saw related to her, I could not control myself. Time has moved on since then. I had to make a choice, I decided for my better. There was no point in feeling bad, she had moved on, comfortably and with ease, It was time for me to do the same. Slowly, life crept back in to me, I got back to my normal routine, and out of that sense of being lost in a maze. But one thing that I lost out on during this whole ordeal was, that smile in my eyes, the love for everything around, that spark of youth and flamboyance. Even today, her thoughts are enough to send butterflies racing in my stomach. Friends told me to get over it, learn from her, I tried, did the best I could, but her memories stayed back. Every now and then, a flash from the past saddens my heart. Proximity was lost, Love was lost, but above all, I lost Myself.

I don't cry anymore, but my eyes show that they wish to. I've learnt not to react, stay quiet, sit back and wait for the pages of my life to unfold everyday. Days and weeks go by, expecting to be surprised by that one name on my cell phone, but Alas. Professionally I'm doing fine, academically I'm getting there. But I lost the Joy, the feeling of Elation that one feels at an acheivement. A few days back, I read something that she had once written for me, there was a huge urge to speak to her, listen to her heavenly voice, feel my heart skip a beat once again, but I could'nt. It's surprising, rather heart rending, a person whom I could speak to anytime, without any fears, now my hand shivers before dialling her number. I'm scared of listening to her stolid responses. Many a times I've made grand plans, one day I would propose marriage to her, I know exactly when, but this time, I have a fear, a fear of refusal, unlike that one day in the Sweet month of November in one of the years gone by. I do'nt know where our lives would lead us, but I'm glad I could keep upto one promise "No one can take your place in my heart"..I know nobody can. I hope life treats both of us fairly. Faith and Hope should'nt be lost, I wont Lose 'em.

"Some day when I'm awefully low, and the world is cold,
I will feel the glow, thinking of you,
And the way you look tonight.."


At 7:41 AM, Blogger ~Chiaroscuro~ said...

More than just a blog, this one. Speaks volumes for the person you are. I'm glad you have finally gathered all the scattered pieces in your life. Just add the smile.
Will always be there for you pal!
Brilliantly written.

At 12:01 AM, Anonymous Divya said...

Hey Bud,
dont be soooo senti yaar. Aisa life mein hota hai. but the best part is you are over it. and iam sure you deserve better that HER.


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