Déjà vu

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I don't Cry anymore..

There was a time when I was heartbroken, shattered and totally confused. That was the time when I had broken up with someone and things were just not the same. That was the time I pitied myself, sulked, cried and moped. My work and studies took a hit. I reacted to everything I saw related to her, I could not control myself. Time has moved on since then. I had to make a choice, I decided for my better. There was no point in feeling bad, she had moved on, comfortably and with ease, It was time for me to do the same. Slowly, life crept back in to me, I got back to my normal routine, and out of that sense of being lost in a maze. But one thing that I lost out on during this whole ordeal was, that smile in my eyes, the love for everything around, that spark of youth and flamboyance. Even today, her thoughts are enough to send butterflies racing in my stomach. Friends told me to get over it, learn from her, I tried, did the best I could, but her memories stayed back. Every now and then, a flash from the past saddens my heart. Proximity was lost, Love was lost, but above all, I lost Myself.

I don't cry anymore, but my eyes show that they wish to. I've learnt not to react, stay quiet, sit back and wait for the pages of my life to unfold everyday. Days and weeks go by, expecting to be surprised by that one name on my cell phone, but Alas. Professionally I'm doing fine, academically I'm getting there. But I lost the Joy, the feeling of Elation that one feels at an acheivement. A few days back, I read something that she had once written for me, there was a huge urge to speak to her, listen to her heavenly voice, feel my heart skip a beat once again, but I could'nt. It's surprising, rather heart rending, a person whom I could speak to anytime, without any fears, now my hand shivers before dialling her number. I'm scared of listening to her stolid responses. Many a times I've made grand plans, one day I would propose marriage to her, I know exactly when, but this time, I have a fear, a fear of refusal, unlike that one day in the Sweet month of November in one of the years gone by. I do'nt know where our lives would lead us, but I'm glad I could keep upto one promise "No one can take your place in my heart"..I know nobody can. I hope life treats both of us fairly. Faith and Hope should'nt be lost, I wont Lose 'em.

"Some day when I'm awefully low, and the world is cold,
I will feel the glow, thinking of you,
And the way you look tonight.."

Sunday, March 12, 2006


November 24, 2005
It was the day when I had to take the first Flight of my life. I had booked the tickets way in advance. After a regular day at work, I came back Home. My flight was for around 11 at night.

After haggling with the autowallah at the airport, i finally entered the gates to the skies. With a bag in one hand and a packet in the other, I had trouble holding my tickets. I saw the ticket and baggage checking counter of Spicejet. I advanced towards the counter, and after an endless weight, was greeted by the guy behind the counter. After the regular formalities, I entered the waiting lounge. Gosh, My first flight. I had butterflies in my stomach, just thinking about it. I was bound for Ahmedabad. I was nervous, damn excited, and very jittery. I could not find a place to sit, so i just stood there near the departure door, waiting. We were supposed to be taken to the plane in the airport bus. It seemed like an eternity to wait there, more so because I could not wait to meet the person waiting at the oter end.

After a long time, the bus arrived at the gate and we were allowed to board. I took the center seat in the middle of the bus. From here i could see the entire runway. As our bus started moving, big huge aircrafts, in the repair sheds appeared. Boy it seemed like huge massess of steel looming out of those sheds. Just looking at them was awe inspiring. I could see the planes of various airlines parked and ready for take off.

We reached the spicejet flight. I still remember getting down in that cold night, climbing the stairs. There was a guy at the top to check our tickets. I entered and was greeted by the air hostess. Since I had pre booked my seat, it was the one right next to the window. I found my seat and immediately realized that the seats were very crampy. From this moment on, all i did was look out of the window. After some time, and a slight delay in take off, we rose. My heart beat harder with the increasing speed of the plane. I could not clearly make out when the plane took off. All of a sudden, i saw the entire front part of my flight rise vertically. The drones of the engine made it hard to hear anything else. I looked out, and saw that we were air bound. Lights were flashing on the outside of the plane, as if just for me, to highlight the height at which we were.

The lovely ladies (air hostessess) were jabbering something about seat belts and oxygen maskes. It was easy to figure out their plastic smiles, and over done make up. Boy, I hate that. I kept looking out, and subconsciously slipped on my seat belt. The world below appeared so tiny, as if I was Gulliver. The lighted Delhi roads, and the traffic looked like a small toy city to me. The one thing that was persistent throughout the journey was the low hum of the engines, since I was so close to it.

After a while, I got chatty with a co passenger sitting right beside me. He was also a person from AMDAVAD and told me lot about it. It's people, the city, places to visit, and also the distance from the airport to the IIM campus.

The duration of the flight was 2.10 hours. Somewhere along the way, a voice came on. It was the pilot addressing the passengers. His English was more HINGLISH and very broken. He announced in his robotic manner that we were at 45,000 feet above main sea level and that the outside temperature was -37c, and the ground spped being 750 km/hr, WOW, now that was one hell of an experience, just heraing it. However, for the comfort of the passengers, the in flight temp. was maintained at 25c. Well, now that was consoling. The very thought of the outside temp. gave me the shivers.

Somewhere after 2 hours of flying, and getting majorly restless, I asked my new friend where we were. He said we were over Ahmedabad. I looked down and saw the city, sleeping, road lights glowing in the distance and a few cars still going about.

As the plane descended, I could feel a growing pain in my ears. I dunno how it all began so suddenly, but it was bad. I tried not to twitch my eyebrows or do or act something stupid. I looked out and saw the plane descending. I could now see the Ahmedabad runway. We touched down with a slight sputter and shake. That definitely sent yells out of many. We had safely landed. Man, I was at the top of the world, travelling on my own, at my own expense, all alone. The high that I got was unmatched. I felt good having done and managed everything on my own. I was just a few minutes away from someone now. I can still feel that thrill at the pit of my stomach.

Wow, that was one helluva flight, won't ever forget it for my life.

Friday, March 10, 2006

It was just another day at work. Was returning back at around 1.50am in the night. The weather in Delhi today has been awesome. It's been raining and the cool breeze has been doing magic for those in love. I was in the cab, talking to adarsh. We had just crossed Apollo Hospital, and were turning left to enter the Kalindi Kunj Road. Just as we took the side lane below the flyover, we noticed that there was an uptuned Maruti Alto and a few guys were trying to turn it. The car was absolutely smashed. Just by the looks of it, anyone could say that the driver wdn't have survived. The windscreen was smashed and the car was resting on the road on it's hood. We asked our driver to stop so we could help. By this time the car had already been turned back up on the road. As we went closer, we saw no one inside the car. The music system was still playing, gosh it was one hell of a music system to take that kind of an impact. The guys were busy gathering the spilt papers and other stuff. We started gathering the things too. The moment we were through all this, our first question was, who was driving? One of the guys who was busy gathering the papers n files said, ME. Whoa, no scartches, no bruises, no blood, nothing at all. The guy was clean. Me and Adarsh just stood there for a moment looking at the car and then at the guy. We asked in unison, how did it happen. He says "well, i was returning from work, my eyes just closed for a moment, and before I knew it, the car was on the pipes". (There was actually a row of big huge water pipes, those made of cement, kept on the side of the road). The car had already lifted from one side before the driver could avoid the collision. It dragged on two of its side wheels before overturning.

Shucks, I don't get it. I know some of my atheistic friends may just say that it was sheer coincidence or Luck. I dunno guys but the first thing we did was look heavenwards. I'm an atheist myself, but hey, things like these shake you up and remind you to think once again, don't they. It could happen to any one of us, any day. We all work late, feel sleepy. Things like these have become a common sight on the Mehrauli Gurgaon road. Almost every other day I see overturned cabs or smashed in to a tree.

The other guys who were helping this chap were drunk themselves but offered to help, so did we. The Alto guy stays in Jasola, which aint too far from my place. I offered to drop him to his house from where he could come back later to pick up his car. But he was resolute, he cdn't leave his car behind. He actually had too many papers and other stuff. He said he stays with his wife and children and that he wdn't be able to get any help. None of his friends could come at this time too. We tried looking for a rope or somehting to tow his car but cdn't find any. I tried hitchiking a few passerby's. One guy stopped. Although he said he didn't have any rope on him, but he did step out of the car to take a look. It turned out that he was a freind of the Alto guy. They decided to get something to tow the car. And there they went off. I just stayed back for a few seconds to take a last look at that car.

On our way back to my place, both me and Adarsh just couldn't think of anything to say but wonder at what we had just seen. GOD, it's a miracle that the guy was absolutely safe. THANK GOD.

Be safe guys, don't work too late and please don't let your eyelids drop while on the road.

God Bless...

Monday, March 06, 2006

It happens..

A few days back while I was on my way back from office, I noticed a motorist pass by. Nothing unusual about his driving or his bike or anything. He was ahead of our cab and was turning for a flyover, so I could not see his front side. Suddenly I noticed that there was a small pair of hands gripping him from front. When I looked closely, I could make out that there was a small girl who was sitting in front of him, facing him, and she had wrapped her hands around the guy. There was a small bunny school bag dangling from one of the hadlebars of the bike. The guy kept looking down from time to time. I don't know why I bothered to narrate this small insignificant observation, just that I found the thought really comforting; to have someone whom you can trust with your life, and Love and whom you know would never let go of you, no matter what.

...The touch of your hands says you'll catch me, whenever I fall...

Sunday, March 05, 2006

The Turning Brain

“What HE actually means”…

“It’s a guy thing”
Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all, of making it logical”.

“Can I help with dinner?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table”

“It would take too long to explain’
Translated: “I have no idea how this damn thing works”

“I was listening to you, just that I have things on my mind”
Translated: “That girl in the corner is a real babe”

“That’s interesting Dear”
Translated: “Are you still talking”

“You know how bad my memory is”
Translated: I remember the theme song to Haathi Mere Saathi, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification number if every car I have ever owned, BUT I forgot our anniversary”

“Oh don’t fuss, I just cut myself, its no big deal”
Translated: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt”

“I can’t find it”
Translated: “It didn’t fall in to my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless”

“What did I do this time”
Translated: “What did you catch me at”

“I heard you”
Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me”

“You know I could never love any one else”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse”

“You look terrific”
Translated: “Oh please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving”

“I’m not lost, I know exactly where we are”
Translated; “No one will ever see us alive again”

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Ain't No Sunshine...

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
It's not warm when she's away,
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
She's gone much too long,
Any time she goes away.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
Wonder if she's gone to stay,
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
And this house just ain't no home,
Anytime she goes away.

I know,
She's gone to stay,
It's breakin' me up,
Anytime she goes away,
Gotta leave the young thing alone,
There ain't no sunshine, when she's gone.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
It's not warm when she's away,
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
And she's gone much too long,
Any time she goes away.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
I wonder if she's gone to stay,
There ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
And this house just ain't a home,
Any time she goes away.

I know,
She's gone to stay,
It's breaking me up,
Any time she goes away,
Gotta leave the young thing alone,
There ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

Bill Withers..Yet again something that expresses what i feel..

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Pehla Nasha…

These days a friend of mine is in love, for the first time. It all started with a few ‘forwards’ that this girl used to send him. She is the same girl that my friend had a crush on while still in college. After two years of finishing college, she started sending him regular, funny forwards. One day he gathered enough courage to ask her how she was doing and the rest. Lucky for this guy she replied and soon they exchanged phone numbers. Now they talk everyday and almost every waking hours of their days. He tells me everything they talk about and it makes me wonder of my own days. Almost similarly did every thing begin for me too. Anyways, whenever I hear him talking about what happened, I feel so happy for him. These butterflies in the stomach, recalling my own past, waiting for that name to appear on the phone, or that message waiting to be read. There is desperation to call her at every free moment, a longing in the heart to hear her voice anytime that someone calls. He sees her every where, he wants to talk to her, call her and speak to her all the time. Boy, the distance that one is willing to go to for love. This guy was the last person I had ever thought could harbor such feelings, but I guess CUPID does not spare anyone. Unfortunately, for the poor soul he hasn’t proposed to her yet, is too shy and afraid. It’s fair I guess because one is always afraid of either offending someone, or maybe losing that person forever. But hey, if you feel it, say it. You never know, she might say yes today, but not tomorrow. I did warn him of all the consequences, and the bliss of all the awesome moments that may be coming his way and, I guess he is ready to take it on. He happened to meet her the other day, boy was he nervous, but the moment her met her, both knew that they compliment each other, they knew they are meant to be, she takes his breath away, and he her mind. She calls him every time while on land, he calls her every time he is awake. These cute people want to say it, hope they do, soon.

One thing is for sure though, this particular feeling that he has right now, this longing to talk, the desire to see, the want to read her messages, the creativity of the mind and heart to say beautiful things. The feeling that you know you love her, you know she likes you, you know she wants you to say it; you know she would accept it. This is the most awesome feeling one can ever have. It is THE most beautiful phase of one’s life and everyone must experience it once.

Long Live Cupid and his mysterious ways (read arrows)